30 October 2013 @ 03:39 pm
Dear Mom: I want to forget about you and your bullshit rules.

Somehow, looking back on this journal has been sort of empowering. Quite a lot has happened since I last posted. I went to rehab...for 8 months, came back to school, and here I am again. Back in good ole hippie town USA. I have a job, I'm back with my ex, and I still fall in love with everyone I know. In short, I'm an unmistakable mess. But that's okay. I'm doing it, you know? In my own little fucked up way, but still. I'm doing it.
♥: working
location: Blair
19 February 2012 @ 11:43 pm
sometimes i shock myself.

sometimes, when you're a little drunk and pretty stoned, standing in a dark room with only a dying candle giving you light, and a boy--a man--you're not sure what to call him--is crying into your shoulder and you're standing on your tiptoes to be able to give him a good around-the-neck hug and you don't know what to say but you stroke his hair and tell him it'll be alright because that's what your mom always did for you and you hope that you don't sound fake or too optimistic because you want to be taking his feelings seriously, but the truth is no matter how much you want to you'll never know what it's like to be him.

sometimes you'll get shitfaced and then go on a jaunty saunter through the woods and on a hike up a Butte but you'll be too retarded to make it more than halfway up and you'll stumble all the way down and cut up your hands and knees and muddy your ass when you slip in some mud and on the car ride home you won't be conscious enough to tell your friends that you're too sloshed to do anything but go back home and pass out in bed.

sometimes there's nothing really to say. sometimes you just have to do things and make an idiot of yourself and then take a deep breath and tell yourself;

who the fuck cares.
♫: the buzz of the refrigerator
location: alder
♥: drunk
16 February 2012 @ 12:55 pm
the evidence.  
The evidence. The evidence was smeared on the futon mattress like a white drip of jelly from a lunch-bagged sandwich.

I don't know why I write in here when I have nothing to say. Feeling and watching the days pass like a tree losing its leaves, and me not being able to reach out and grab them, or try to stick them back on with tape. I'm looking down at a puddle in the sidewalk, stretching out my rain-booted foot and pressing it down on top of the rippling pool, but I cannot permeate the surface of that gray and silver sheen.

To set goals for oneself is something mentally healthy people are good at. If you set goals for yourself, small ones, and achieve them, that makes you happier with yourself. If you set unobtainable goals, you'll be unhappy, and you'll be unhappy if you set no goals at all. But I don't want to do anything. I don't want to improve myself. There is nothing to improve upon -- I am nothing, and zero times zero equals zero. It always will.

Danny complained to me through text about how I never tell him anything: no details, no context, nothing about my life. And it's true. Hearing gross details about his makes me see it in a terrible light. Maybe I just need to sound terrible about my life, too. But then he'll want to help me. Save me. I just want him to leave me alone. If I sounded happy ... I don't know. It would be a lie.

I don't want to be wanted, or used. I want to be needed.

The souls of our bodies are all going to hell and I'll rot and my eyes will be raised and red and tired and drooping, and I'll say I'm finished here and I'll put out my hand and you'll take it in yours because that's what you're supposed to do and you're a good guy, at least you think you are--or should be. Feel my pulse. Feel my pulse in the ridges of my wrists and hold onto it because the music's too loud to let you hear my heartbeat.

So what should I say? What can I do?

I suppose this will have to do: write a letter, make three wishes, adopt orange fishes.

I want to feel free on the inside
I want to stop being so melodramatic

and thinking of all the adjectives that could apply to me, because all of them could be, in relativity...

The thing is, this--whatever it is that I'm doing right now--it isn't anything; it's a way to carefully and undetectably not exist.
♥: high
location: alder
♫: tha n00 yur
01 February 2010 @ 11:36 pm
moonlight's away.  
I'm really tired of school. I just feel like it's pointless. Maybe I'm just too lazy. Maybe.

I like learning, but not when I'm obligated to. I don't like doing anything I have to do. Which is slightly problematic. Ah well.

I should be getting started on applying to that school so I can transfer next year. :x ergh. I don't want to go to school, but at the same time it is the gateway to the only opportunity for me to live away from home.

Which I still haven't decided if I really want to do, but I guess I've got to leave the nest someday.

I like Lady Gaga. HER SONGS ARE TOO CATCHY. /dies

I felt groggy and foggy headed and sleepy all day today. The mid-afternoons are the worst for me. I didn't go to Sociology, and instead took a nap. Luckily my boyfriend went to it for me and took notes and turned my paper in for me.


I have been PMSing really bad lately. That mixed with my recurring depression hasn't made ofr a fun week. At all. Hopefully everything will get better in the next few days.



hope is all I can do, anymore.
♫: so happy i could die (lady gaga)
♥: blank
25 January 2010 @ 04:29 pm

NES controller SOAP. How cool is that.

Anyway. I have been spending way too much time lately doing nothing on the computer. I have no idea how I waste days away just sitting here not accomplishing anything.

The internet: it really SUCKS YOU IN.

I should be using this time to do other things. Such as...reading. Or playing video games. Or...writing. (gasp) Haven't done that in a while.

So I've been thinking about this lately (read: the past 12 hours or so), and I've decided I'm going to severely cut back on my internet use and finally beat those games I've been wanting to beat, and finish that book, and those other books I need to buy with my fifty dollar Barnes and Noble giftcard, and etc.

Let's see how this goes. D:

STARTING NOW (after I finish posting this.)

And, for my own convenience, le games I want to finish (play):

-Chrono Trigger
-Zelda Spirit Tracks
-Zelda Twilight Princess
-Super Mario Galaxy
-Pikmin 1/2

Andddd a ton more of my little brother's other games that sit around the house and gather dust that I've never played.

...On another note.

I hate my French teacher. She is seriously the most TERRIBLE teacher I have ever had. She explains nothing, and doesn't know a thing about teaching well. I told her I was confused today, and she just giggled awkwardly and stared me down, and then walked away.

Um. What?

♥: tired